A Life That Didn't Fit
I knew I was a lesbian before I got married but I was convinced that if I was “obedient” and married a man, God would take away my desire for women. I met a very nice guy and became engaged. I attempted to tell him about my previous relationships with women, but he didn’t really want to talk about that area of my life. He just knew our marriage was what God wanted for us.
After we were married and moved to a new state, my plan was to avoid close friendships with women. I knew from past patterns that if I was to develop a close friendship, I would end up falling in love and losing the friend, plus the internal struggle would be too great. I was pregnant with my first child, and wanted to focus on my family. On my first week at our new church, I saw a woman across the way who made my heart jump. I knew that I’d need to be very careful. I found out that she was a bible study leader and church secretary, and I knew then I would be safe. Surely she wouldn’t be someone I’d fall in love with! Well, I did. I attended her bible study week after week, and I saw first-hand the depth of her love for Jesus. I was drawn to that relationship and wanted to know more about it for my own life. I asked her to disciple me. We began to spend time together weekly, and as my pregnancy grew, so did my faith, but also my love for her. I came out to her, and she reassured me of God’s love.
After my son was born, we spent more time together, and she helped me in those first months of exhaustion. The intensity grew for both of us, and we eventually became involved with each other physically. We rode on a painful roller coaster of guilt and shame, along with the ecstasy of new love. This continued for several years, with periods of resolve to just be friends, and then times of saying that the connection was worth the pain. It was a terribly confusing time. I had another child. I needed to be committed to the man to whom I had promised my life. My kids needed a stable home and parents who were together, even if we didn’t love each other. Her children needed her. We were trapped.
In the middle of this, I was at my pastor’s house. He had a book on his coffee table by Mel White called “Stranger at the Gate." It was about his journey from being an evangelical minister to coming out as a gay Christian. I was fascinated, and asked if I could borrow it, being very careful, or so I thought, not to tip my hand.
I devoured the book, seeing myself on many of the pages, feeling his pain as my own, wishing I could someday feel the freedom that he finally felt. My husband saw the book and asked if he could read it too. I wondered about what his reaction would be, and feared the worst. When he finished, I asked him what he thought. He said, “I wish I could meet someone like him.” I stuck my hand out to him and said, “It’s nice to meet you.” He moved to the basement bedroom that night. I listened to his sobbing as he grasped what I had said and what it might mean for him and for the kids. He was devastated, and I was too. I realized how terrible it was that I’d broken his heart, his hopes, his dreams.
We spent the next three years on a roller coaster of our own. He wanted to repair the marriage, and committed to standing by me as I worked through my brokenness. I thought that’s what I should be doing, and we entered couples counseling with a man from our church. Through the counseling, I began to realize more and more who I really was, and we began to communicate more honestly with one another. In March of 1997, we sat down to have our most life changing conversation. He wanted me to set all of this sexual orientation stuff aside and go back to being his wife. I realized right then that I would never be able to do that. I said no, and I said that maybe we should separate. Within a week, he was out of the house. My kids were five and seven at the time.
It's now seven years later and I am sharing my life with that wonderful bible study leader and church secretary. We had a commitment ceremony almost three years ago, and bought a home together. My children live with a mom who is completely honest with them, and we’ve worked through the pain of divorce. They are strong, and their faith in God is strong. My ex-husband has married a woman who adores him and loves my kids. Life isn’t perfect, but it’s above and beyond all that I could have asked or imagined in those years of pain. I used to look at women who were in relationships with other women and long to feel that kind of freedom. God has given me that freedom, and I’m amazed and grateful for all the blessings that are a part of my life. God didn’t reject me. It’s been the complete opposite. God has been a part of every step of this journey, and continues to bless our home and our relationship with great abundance.
