Lover God by Lynn Mickelson

Several weeks ago I was feeling very sad and lonely. I was feeling my losses - Dad's death, an ended relationship, many precious friends with AIDS. I longed for comfort. That night, as I prayed for peace and consolation, a picture sprang into my mind of a woman with open arms offering to hold me. I saw no head or face, only her arms and torso. As I nestled my grief-ridden self against her naked breasts and belly, I knew I was resting in the strong arms of God. I slept deeply and woke the next morning filled with serenity. I was in awe that my communion with God could be so tangible and physical. This experience was not so much a sexualizing of God as a receiving of comfort from a lover. So often we carry our deepest wounds in our bodies long after they have disappeared from our minds and hearts. God related not only to my emotions and thoughts but also to my body.

CLAIMING A NEW GOD-IMAGE

I haven't always related to God as lover. In fact, not too many years ago, I would have thought such a notion to be provocative, if not blasphemous. Today, praying to God as lover is as natural and truthful as being alive.

When I was a child, my parents taught me to pray. This was very important because it showed me that I could "talk" with God and that God was listening. Yet, soon the memorized prayers became just words which rarely engaged my mind or heart. My image of God then was of the benevolent, grandfatherly white guy who somehow lived in the sky. As I grew and learned about prayer petitions, God became (as one friend puts it) a cosmic vending machine. Neither of these images were helpful. I longed for a relationship with God like those I read about in the Bible. There, women and men seemed to know God and God knew them. They talked and argued and celebrated.

It was in "coming out" that my relationship with God came alive and deepened. During those months of internal anguish and struggle to affirm a reality I did not want, God was my constant companion. I argued, struggled, and wept. Through it all, I kept getting affirming messages from surprising places like my church, St. Paul-Reformation in St. Paul, Minnesota. (When I started attending there, I had no idea that it was Lutheran's Concerned's first Reconciled in Christ congregation. I didn't know that it had just started Wingspan Ministry, staffed by Anita Hill and Leo Treadway, an open lesbian and gay man.) One day while I was pacing down historic Summit Avenue, a message came to mind with alarming clarity: "Your sexuality is my gift to you, Lynn." God had not abandoned me, but like a lover remained steadfast, sharing and respecting my journey.

HEALING THE DIVINE MIND/BODY SPLIT

As I discovered and became a more fully embodied person, celebrating my sexuality and erotic power, I also realized the embodiment of God. Much is written about healing the mind/body split in human beings. I believe we also need to restore to God all the sensuousness of Creation. The One who created the wonder of our earth and the wonder of our bodies is not divorced from that creation. God is not a sort of cosmic computer or ethereal spirit. God is tangible. We experience God embodied through each other and through nature.

Several years ago, I made an unforgettable hike to Holden Lake while at Holden Village, a Christian retreat center in the Cascade Mountains. Surrounded by sensuous mountains, I was reminded of El Shaddai - the breasted God. Descending intot he valley, with the air becoming moist and steamy, was quite erotic. I felt filled to bursting with the beauty, life, and the erotic power which surrounded and touched me. My heart was singing; each step was an affirmation and praise. I understood in those hours the ecstatic and intimate prayers of my Christian mystic foremothers. God is my lover who relates to me wholly with spirit, mind, heart, and body.

This relating to God as lover means a profound affirmation of the sacred erotic power both in the Divine and in ourselves. God, my lover, affirms all of who I am. With God I am completely naked, vulnerable, and exposed, but God is not distant from me. God is present, affirming, sharing, loving. With God I am completely known and invited into a relationship. In this relationship, God is the intimate partner of my soul.